If Star Trek taught us anything, its that in the future the idea of being greedy and living for profit will be looked down upon. So, I guess we’ve got that to look forward to in a few hundred years. But right now, we live in a rapidly descending Ann Rand dystopia, where it’s clear the party in charge of our government are the Ferengi. Let’s call them the FerenGOP.

I could go into minuscule detail regarding every regulation they’ve tossed aside, every bill they’ve passed, and how the primary (and seemingly only) goal of these efforts is to maximize profit. In only one area – abortion – do they cling to a non-profit driven motivation for their goals. But they have to, because without that wedge issue, they’d lose a shit ton of support. The Christian right (wrong) is nothing if not driven by their fear that women are taking charge of when/if/how they get pregnant and when/if/how they carry the fetus to term.

Instead of breaking down every action since Rump Roast took office, I will instead start a series of posts (eventually, over time, if I feel like it… hey, I’m not your monkey, I won’t dance for you!) that highlight the Rules of Acquisition, the very foundation of the Ferengi social structure, and try to point out how the FerenGOP gibes with this gibberish. Because everyone needs a good alliteration first thing in the morning.

I’ll focus on the most important rules, as listed by Memory Alpha Wiki, that spring of Star Trek facts and information from which I glean all the weird, esoteric knowledge I need whenever I’m sitting at home and need guidance on “what the hell kind of ship was that one?”  Or, “Wait, didn’t they say a few episodes ago that the temporal prime directive prevents them from doing this?” Oh Star Trek, you are wonderfully convoluted and contradictory.

Make it so!:

1. Once you have their money, you never give it back.

I mean, of course. Naturally. You EARNED it, even if you stole it, its yours now. The FerenGOP would applaud this with the fervor of a group of self-righteous cult followers who were just told that the end is nigh and they will soon be allowed to drink the delicious Kool-aide and ascend to the mystical spirits who reside on the planet Xenon. They continually try to pass legislation that prevents people from suing for damages, receiving a fair return on their health insurance investments, or otherwise getting something of value for the money they’ve spent. This is a prime directive for them.

3. Never spend more for an acquisition than you have to.

Hey, that’s not a bad one actually. Everyone wants to get a fair deal. But see number one again for an understanding of what this means. They don’t care if YOU spend more for an acquisition, only that THEY spend no more than they have to. In fact, ripping YOU off is a better deal for them, so that’s all for the better.

6. Never allow family to stand in the way of opportunity.

To hell with that daughter who has a medical condition if there are profits to be made on not giving her insurance. She should have known better than to be born sick! And that uncle whose house is going to be taken from him at below market prices to make way for a set of condos being developed by a private company? Too bad, he shouldn’t have bought a home there where the view is so good. The Republicans don’t care about their own kin as long as there is money to be made.

7. Keep your ears open and your eyes on the mark.

Well of course. This is simply good business sense. And when you run the government, everyone who is not a member of your ruling regime is a mark.

9. Opportunity plus instinct equals profit.

Ah, now we began to wend our way deeper into the psychie of the FerenGOP. Opportunity, the right place at the right time is part of this. But INSTINCT is needed. The smarts to see the opportunity, understand how to exploit it. According to FerenGOP feelings (and we know feelings are much more important than facts to them), the best people are self made people. They pulled themselves up by their bootstraps, they have something… something SPECIAL… that sets them apart from everyone else. The reason so many people are poor is because they lack this skill, the instinct to take advantage. The killer drive to succeed. They fail because they are weak little beta fish without the special sauce that makes them all creamy on the inside. And this is kinda gross and making me hungry….

10. Greed is eternal.

Yes, we will never outgrow our need for greed. Everyone is greedy, everyone covets what everyone else has. We are all jealous and fighting to be better than everyone else. Compassion is foolish when faced with greed, with the acquisition of profits. The FerenGOP treat this as the “proper” way to approach life, and you can see it most clearly in their current Emperor, Lord Rump Roast. Greed is everything to him, he’s all about making himself richer, acquiring more, beating everyone (though he fails so often its hard to understand how people use him to represent success… I’d think a person born poor who became rich would be a MUCH better example of that, but what do I know of course, I’m not terribly greedy and would make a shitty FerenGOP).


So… the FerenGOP begins to come into focus as we examine these first six important Rules of Acquisition. More on this later, but right now I need to go wash the slimy feeling off my hands.

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